Not sure why but it feels like a corner has been turned and this will be a different year. A healthy year. A productive year. I quit booze and dope and the focus has already been remarkably defined. There’s no relying on others for creative or financial gain. A self reliance is called for and a quiet confidence. The confidence that comes with knowledge (knowledge without proof which I think is called faith) that things are right as they are. More wisdom for 2008. More striving and compassion. A little luck is always nice. Deep breaths and examining the sky often without birds shrieking their demands for my attention.

I’m getting a bunch of contacts from folks on my myspace page who’ve seen BTM. It’s neat to know that someone saw the movie and liked it enough to seek out people involved in the film. The dvd went on sale last Tuesday and since then I’ve recieved at least three (legit) friend requsts each day. No cult classic I know, but the response has been very enthusiastic and it’s real nice to see that the work has affected people in such a galvanizing way. I’ve even been written by people who declare it the best horror movie ever. It isn’t by far, but that title isn’t one that any horror fan bestows lightly. This is a fun time. I’m hoping, hoping, hoping that my 93 cent video store starts carrying the film. Blockbuster, Hollywood Video, Netflix and all those are nice but I’ll know we’ve tapped into the pulse of the populace when my local shop in East Fullerton is slinging copies.

The trick is (as any semi-professional actor will tell you) finding a job that pays you what you need to cover the bills but offers the flexibility of taking off early or coming in late because of auditions. If you’re blessed you can find an employer who’ll even let you go for a few days or weeks when you book some kind of acting work and then will take you back when the gig is over. That kind of benevolence is really hard to come by.

Added to my equation are the three other mouths to feed. A part-time job that pays enough for a family of four is flat out impossible. Thankfully my work in Invasion provided me with the maximum amount of payout that unemployment insurance allows ($450/week) but making $1800 stretch for a whole month is tough and will soon be exhausted. Unlike many actors, I have no shame collecting unemployment. We wouldn’t have been able to make it this long without it. With two children depending on me there’s little I wouldn’t do to make sure they’re being provided for. Hell, we did foodstamps a few years ago just before I booked Invasion and it was looking like things couldn’t get any worse for us. Government cheese is pretty tasty when it’s the only cheese you’ve got.

Problem is I WANT to work. I’m not the kind of person who can thrive with free time. I need structure and an outlet for my energy. It feels good coming home tired at the end of the day. I love driving and I really love being PAID to drive. The two best jobs I’ve had (outside of my acting work) were driving jobs. My last was delivering medicines to doctor’s offices and patients. It was amazing. I was paid to drive and listen to NPR and my ipod and occasionally scale a flight of stairs. I was let go two weeks ago. Back to square one.

I called a flower store that had posted a Craigslist ad for a delivery job at $9/hour. The employer sounded really nice and like they’d be somewhat understanding if I had a bit of acting work come up. Then I started to do the math. If I’m working an 8 hour day 5 days a week I’d be clearing $360. That’s $90 less than what I’m getting on unemployment. So what would I need to get by? $15 an hour. Here’s the Craigslist add I’ll be posting today:

Always wanted to pay a lot of money to an employee who’s attendence is frequent at best?
A hardworking actor is seeking a $15/hour wage. My skills are limited but I learn fast and take pride in my work.
Willing to do deliveries-spotless record.

She’s a stubborn beauty and she pops here and there because she has the constancy of a butterfly. I resent that and I am lost in her form still. Flitting between resonating walls of sound and round round lips and dead steadiness. Stop me for your sake and mine and more for mine.

Week before last I slipped. You never know your feet have gone out from under you until you’re flat on your back and seeing stars. Or at least that’s me. I guess the reality of BTM’s theatrical bombing hit me and though I tried to be stoic about it I found it impossible to not hope the hope of hopes in fact pray that it turned things around for me but that didn’t happen.

Last Easter Sunday I was with some of Kim’s family for a picnic and found myself surrounded by a group of family wondering what’s on the horizon? “Nothing.” “Nothing you can talk about or nothing nothing?” “Nothing nothing.” A puzzled look on their faces and a lull in conversation. It upset them more than it upset me. I’ve come to accept this as business as usual. But as far as they’re concerned I’m a movie star! My film has been in theaters! People could pay money and see me on the big screen! Why aren’t I the next fill-in-the-blank?!

The thing that really sent me over and down was an audition I had for a high profile indie called “The Return”. It was for a one scene part but it would have been a great project to be associated with and best of all it was totally something I could book. It was right up my alley. Even in the room during the audition I knew that it was mine to win or loose but I found myself gravitating toward insecurity and fear and I lost the job. I didn’t call my manager after the audition because I didn’t want to have to explain to her what had happened at the audition. I can’t even say what went wrong but I know that on some level I chose to fail and that was a huge self-inflicted blow.

I’ve had numerous conversations and contacts from people who regard me highly for work that I’ve done and though I appreciate their support I can’t really absorb their compliments because my reality doesn’t match up with their impression of my reality. It’s a tough business. It takes it’s toll. I felt close to calling my manager last week and informing her I’d be taking a three month long hiatus to re-examine my life. Very close. The only clarity I have is that the free time I’m being provided with right now is allowing me precious time with my family. I’m fortunate.

I feel like I’m on the other side now. Things seem to have gained buoyancy. Every day offers opportunities to move forward and some are as subtle as smiling more and talking less. I’m looking forward to future opportunities and as for now I’m trusting that all will work out as it is meant to.

I’ve never been so scared in my life. Seconds before my cue to walk out on stage and I couldn’t remember what I was supposed to say. I don’t care what Bush says, that was real terror. My cue…I walk out onstage…my mouth opens and words come out…I walk off. That’s pretty much how the rest of the night worked. There was only one real moment when the words absolutely failed me and that black hole of dispair opened it’s gaping maw beckoning me, “…ENTER…”, but my fellow actor stepped in between and closed it for me. I’m eternally grateful to Charlie Robinson. The show ended and I crashed from the adrenaline high I’d been riding on all day long. Regardless of the quality of the performance I consider it a personal triumph but one that I will never duplicate. Ever.

I found out later that things went as well as they did because my brother was acting as an emotional/psychological/spiritual heat sync. As he explains it, a heat sync is a metal piece in a computer that draws heat and energy from the rest of the hardware to keep things from burning up. Thanks Eric.

I don’t know meaning of life I just wrote that to keep you reading on. What a tease!

Ever have The Actor’s Nightmare? You know where you’re on stage in front of hundreds of people and they are all staring at you and you have no idea what you’re doing there or what you’re supposed to say? That’s happening to me tomorrow night. Want to see what a real life nightmare is like? At South Coast Repertory tomorrow night at 7:30 I’ll be filling in for an actor who can’t make the show. Because they don’t hire understudies there it was either a. cancel the show, or b. get someone competent who can fit in the actor’s costume. I’m the right size but honestly, given the amount of material, I’m far from competent. I shouldn’t even be writing this right now I should be memorizing but I thought that an event as potentially humiliating as this is too good to keep to myself. Such disgrace must be shared with the world. Consider this your invitation to my nightmare.

In the most appropriate reflection of the state of the independent film industry today Behind The Mask closed in theaters one week after it opened. The opening box office numbers weren’t sufficient to entice theaters to continue running the film. There remains a handful of theaters around the country which are still running and may continue to run it but in effect the national release has come to a close. The dvd of the film with extra features and all is in the process of being rolled out and will probably be on store shelves in three months or so. In the meantime the cast and crew, production staff and all can content themselves with some impressive reviews from fans, genre publications and mainstream press. I was blown away by the good notices I received:

“Nathan Basel gives a brilliant performance…Mr Baesel is an extraordinary presence, holding the film together with his mesmerizing performance, charm and openness.”

Washington Post

“Baesel, who is by turns charming, manic and thoroughly scary, is a gifted young actor who clearly relishes a role he can sink his pitchfork into.”
LA Weekly

“Give big props to Nathan Baesel, who is frighteningly perfect as Vernon.”

Philadelphia Inquirer

“Baesel has taken a character that could easily have been played as a joke and made him into a complex and nuanced man…This is a film made with total, committed, complete and pure love.”

Film Threat

“Baesel, who played the one-armed cop on TV’s now-defunct “Invasion,” is great comic fun.”
Seattle Times

“The film rests comfortably on the shoulders of Nathan Baesel, most known for a role on INVASION. He’s energetic, charismatic and pulls off the character’s humor. He’s just a likable guy, which is what makes following his Leslie Vernon character so fun.”

Ain’t It Cool News

“A young, spry Ethan Hawke lookalike with a self-deprecating sense of humor and an easy charm, he’s certainly not what you’d expect from a movie maniac…director Glosserman has found a huge asset in Baesel. Previously best-known from ABC’s Invasion, Baesel delivers a layered, star-making performance as the cocky bad boy who teaches the film crew the secrets behind faking death so as to rise again, doing the right kind of cardio training for a fast-moving-yet-slow-lurching pursuit, and even the industry jargon that those in his trade use.”
OC Weekly

“Baesel’s regular-guy charm is Will Ferrell-like. “Behind the Mask” is original and weirdly delicious, and executed with gory aplomb.”

LA Times

“The cast is exactly what you’d hope for from a winking-yet-reverent mockumentary like Behind the Mask. Leading man Nathan Baesel switches from Jim Carrey-goofy to Jack Nicholson-creepy with the drop of one eyebrow, and it’s his performance that perfectly nails what Glosserman is going for: sly, scary … and maybe just a little silly.”

Cinematical

“In the lead role, newcomer Nathan Baesel has slacker charisma.”

New York Post

“As played by Nathan Baesel (ABC’s “Invasion”), Leslie suggests Jim Carrey torn between his perfectionist and homicidal impulses. (Either that, or the young Jack Lemmon as Norman Bates.)”

Boston Globe

“Baesel makes the most of the dead-pan script, a surprisingly fresh take on the usual clichés.”

New York Daily News

Nice, huh? But you know what they say, if you believe the good ones you have to believe the bad ones too. There were a few of those that didn’t just not like the film, they hated it. The enthusiasm with which they disliked me specifically was curious to behold. Here’s just a taste from Seattle Weekly’s review, enjoy!

“Nathan Baesel, is the type who’d give himself a blow job if he could—and judging by an impromptu flip he does in one scene, he’s probably tried.”

I didn’t even know that you could print “blow job” in a mass circulation newspaper. You learn new things every day. I encourage you to read the rest of the bizarrely hateful assessment of our efforts. In the interest of full disclosure I’ve never been a very flexible guy and though I enjoy physical challenges and I also enjoy blowjobs I’ve never been able to collide those two worlds. Ed Gonzalez pegged me though, I WOULD if I could, and I HAVE tried.

I’m not as broken up about the movie getting pulled as I thought I would be. When I first got the news and the fog of confusion cleared, I had a sit on my doorstep and watched the sun set beer in hand and I felt happy. Behind The Mask has been a tremendous learning experience and this is but one more lesson. The stark realities of independent film distribution are sobering. We had a good shot at the marketplace but didn’t cut it. It didn’t help that there was little to no advertisement for the film and I’m still baffled that Anchor Bay didn’t invest anything into raising the general public’s awareness of the film. It just doesn’t make good business sense to me especially if BTM was their first theatrical release, the one to put them on the map as a theatrical distributing presence. I suppose they felt the internet buzz about the film would take awareness a long way. It clearly wasn’t enough.

I met a number of Anchor Bay’s people on Friday to gear up for BTM’s dvd push. They all seemed really nice and they bought me my drinks which is a great way for someone to ingratiate themselves with me. I’m sure the film will have a much better life on dvd than it did in theaters. It was meant for a group experience. If you ever saw it at one of the festivals then you know what I’m talking about. There’s something remarkable about that group dynamic that transforms the movie into a POWERFULLY fun event. Its been the most rewarding thing about this whole process. When I hear people responding to every little nuance as well as the broad strokes I’m reminded that we really felt like were making something special when we were shooting up there in Portland. With the exception of midnight showings in certain theaters around the country I think dvd is going to allow more opportunities for folks to get together and have a good time with a good film.

The rewards of having a well regarded film playing in theaters is obvious but I’ve already reaped many of the rewards. People have taken notice of my work and appreciated it and the good is continuing to come of it. I’m grateful that so many of my friends and family were able to get out in that opening weekend and vote with their dollars. Some folks even went out of their way travelling hundreds of miles and braving snow storms to catch it. It’s the first film I ever did, it’s the best work I’ve ever done and this was one hell of a week.

Well here it is. Behind The Mask opens tomorrow. I’ve tried so hard to put it out of my mind since we shot the thing two-and-a-half years ago. I’ve counselled myself not to expect too much from it, not to have ANY expectations so as to avoid all disappointment. Very Buddhist-like I’ve worked to snuff out the spotfires of desire. As the film has progressed along the seemingly endless meanderings of indie film post- production and promotion however, and as I’ve seen movie houses packed with hundreds of people (who have no motive but to enjoy a film) erupt in laughter or revelation I’ve been so encouraged by the the possibilities of this little film.

Now I sit very anxious about the opening. Although we’ve been embraced by most horror-genre media, the mainstream media has little affection for films deconstructing the genre even if it’s new ground we’re treading. I’ll soon see how/if BTM is embraced as the dollars are counted up after the weekend; and really that is the only litmus test that matters.

I think what concerns me most is that this role is the closest I’ve ever been to feeling completely in my element as an artist and I may never get such a proper vehicle to express myself again. I couldn’t be happier with the results of my labor. In a film that spans an hour and forty-five minutes there’s probably only two cringe moments, and that’s a feat! In the countless reems of material lining the cutting room floor I know there are gems which will appear on the dvd release and offer more fun cringe-free moments. In all, watching this movie is like recalling one long fond memory. I don’t want it to be the last.

I am excited, tremendously, about this weekend. Friends and family have been so sweet and supportive. Both of my brothers are rounding up huge groups for Friday night showings in Long Beach and Dallas. I know its not just blind love that’s motivating them either. I know they believe in the film and they are taking active parts in affecting a populist championing of this little film of ours. And you know honestly: in this day and age that’s the only way that a TRUE independent film stands a chance.

I hope you get a chance to see. I hope you enjoy it. I hope you’ll let me know honestly what you think. Click on the film’s site for theater listings near you and call a friend. Some popcorn, sodapop, milkduds and Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon. I guarantee you a good time.

I can’t remember ever acting like this. I really can’t. I’ve met celebrities, famous scholars, I even met (at the time) Vice President George Bush once but they didn’t get my pulse going like this. Maybe Bush wasn’t a good comparison. Anyway, I got a personal email from Larry Mantle yesterday! Who’s Larry Mantle you ask? Only the greatest talk show host in the history of radio. Okay, here’s how it happened!

I’m tuning in to KPCC 89.3 as I do every day. Its one of the local NPR affiliates based in Pasadena. Larry Mantle’s Airtalk program is on and he introduces the next segment: my favorite, Filmweek. And the sounds I’ve only daydreamed about pass over the airwaves, “Today we’ll be reviewing the films Music And Lyrics”, which wasn’t actually a part of my daydream, nor were the other three films mentioned but finally, “And Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon”. Needless to say I jumped in my seat and immediately fished out my cellphone to call Kim then Scott Glosserman, and pulled the truck over so I could have an uninterrupted flow of radio waves to my tiny walkman reciever.

The film was reviewed by Jean Oppenheimer. The review was brief, no more than a minute. In all Jean didn’t compliment the film nor did she criticize it really. She used words like “cute” to describe the premise and she said it would undoubtedly be a popular dvd among teens and college students. I guess that’s good. Then again she also described Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant’s performances in Music And Lyrics as “cute”. Then something happened. Something glorious happened. But before I tell you what that was, let’s talk a little bit about the man.

Larry Mantle handles the Airtalk program weekdays from 10AM to 12 PM. Now, I love all of KPCC’c content. Its intelligent, balanced, respectful and consistently entertaining. But Larry Mantle is that rare host who combines all of those qualities with a vast knowledge of a seemingly infinite range of topics and a sense of integrity, exploring those topics in a fair and unbiased manner. I marvel at his ability to flow with any topic and any guest with ease. And particularly contentious issues demonstrate his skill at cutting through political spin to get to the core of the arguments at hand. Above all you get the sense that he is a good man. In Larry’s hands guests and subjects restore my sense of humanity. Does it seem like I revere the man?

So I sent an email to the station to thank them for their support of our film with the review and the interview Scott and I did on Pat Morrison’s show several months back. In an addendum I gushed a bit about what a great job Larry does. Two nights ago I had a new message in my inbox from the man himself and I freaked. Kim commented that she’d never seen me like this (she’s known me for twelve years!) Here’s the email:

“Dear Nathan,

Thank you so much for your kind comments. They mean a great deal to me. I’m
also glad to hear that I pronounced your name correctly!

Congratulations on the positive response that your film has generated. I wish you
great success with all your future acting endeavors. I’ll be keeping an eye
out for your work.

Sincerely,

Larry”

I was speechless, red-faced and knockkneed like a little girl who’s just won a beauty pagent.

KPCC is running a pledge drive now and needless to say I made a donation. I’m a proud member of KCRW, PBS, and now KPCC. Was this a commercial or what?