She’s a stubborn beauty and she pops here and there because she has the constancy of a butterfly. I resent that and I am lost in her form still. Flitting between resonating walls of sound and round round lips and dead steadiness. Stop me for your sake and mine and more for mine.

Week before last I slipped. You never know your feet have gone out from under you until you’re flat on your back and seeing stars. Or at least that’s me. I guess the reality of BTM’s theatrical bombing hit me and though I tried to be stoic about it I found it impossible to not hope the hope of hopes in fact pray that it turned things around for me but that didn’t happen.

Last Easter Sunday I was with some of Kim’s family for a picnic and found myself surrounded by a group of family wondering what’s on the horizon? “Nothing.” “Nothing you can talk about or nothing nothing?” “Nothing nothing.” A puzzled look on their faces and a lull in conversation. It upset them more than it upset me. I’ve come to accept this as business as usual. But as far as they’re concerned I’m a movie star! My film has been in theaters! People could pay money and see me on the big screen! Why aren’t I the next fill-in-the-blank?!

The thing that really sent me over and down was an audition I had for a high profile indie called “The Return”. It was for a one scene part but it would have been a great project to be associated with and best of all it was totally something I could book. It was right up my alley. Even in the room during the audition I knew that it was mine to win or loose but I found myself gravitating toward insecurity and fear and I lost the job. I didn’t call my manager after the audition because I didn’t want to have to explain to her what had happened at the audition. I can’t even say what went wrong but I know that on some level I chose to fail and that was a huge self-inflicted blow.

I’ve had numerous conversations and contacts from people who regard me highly for work that I’ve done and though I appreciate their support I can’t really absorb their compliments because my reality doesn’t match up with their impression of my reality. It’s a tough business. It takes it’s toll. I felt close to calling my manager last week and informing her I’d be taking a three month long hiatus to re-examine my life. Very close. The only clarity I have is that the free time I’m being provided with right now is allowing me precious time with my family. I’m fortunate.

I feel like I’m on the other side now. Things seem to have gained buoyancy. Every day offers opportunities to move forward and some are as subtle as smiling more and talking less. I’m looking forward to future opportunities and as for now I’m trusting that all will work out as it is meant to.

I’ve never been so scared in my life. Seconds before my cue to walk out on stage and I couldn’t remember what I was supposed to say. I don’t care what Bush says, that was real terror. My cue…I walk out onstage…my mouth opens and words come out…I walk off. That’s pretty much how the rest of the night worked. There was only one real moment when the words absolutely failed me and that black hole of dispair opened it’s gaping maw beckoning me, “…ENTER…”, but my fellow actor stepped in between and closed it for me. I’m eternally grateful to Charlie Robinson. The show ended and I crashed from the adrenaline high I’d been riding on all day long. Regardless of the quality of the performance I consider it a personal triumph but one that I will never duplicate. Ever.

I found out later that things went as well as they did because my brother was acting as an emotional/psychological/spiritual heat sync. As he explains it, a heat sync is a metal piece in a computer that draws heat and energy from the rest of the hardware to keep things from burning up. Thanks Eric.

I don’t know meaning of life I just wrote that to keep you reading on. What a tease!

Ever have The Actor’s Nightmare? You know where you’re on stage in front of hundreds of people and they are all staring at you and you have no idea what you’re doing there or what you’re supposed to say? That’s happening to me tomorrow night. Want to see what a real life nightmare is like? At South Coast Repertory tomorrow night at 7:30 I’ll be filling in for an actor who can’t make the show. Because they don’t hire understudies there it was either a. cancel the show, or b. get someone competent who can fit in the actor’s costume. I’m the right size but honestly, given the amount of material, I’m far from competent. I shouldn’t even be writing this right now I should be memorizing but I thought that an event as potentially humiliating as this is too good to keep to myself. Such disgrace must be shared with the world. Consider this your invitation to my nightmare.