Week before last I slipped. You never know your feet have gone out from under you until you’re flat on your back and seeing stars. Or at least that’s me. I guess the reality of BTM’s theatrical bombing hit me and though I tried to be stoic about it I found it impossible to not hope the hope of hopes in fact pray that it turned things around for me but that didn’t happen.
Last Easter Sunday I was with some of Kim’s family for a picnic and found myself surrounded by a group of family wondering what’s on the horizon? “Nothing.” “Nothing you can talk about or nothing nothing?” “Nothing nothing.” A puzzled look on their faces and a lull in conversation. It upset them more than it upset me. I’ve come to accept this as business as usual. But as far as they’re concerned I’m a movie star! My film has been in theaters! People could pay money and see me on the big screen! Why aren’t I the next fill-in-the-blank?!
The thing that really sent me over and down was an audition I had for a high profile indie called “The Return”. It was for a one scene part but it would have been a great project to be associated with and best of all it was totally something I could book. It was right up my alley. Even in the room during the audition I knew that it was mine to win or loose but I found myself gravitating toward insecurity and fear and I lost the job. I didn’t call my manager after the audition because I didn’t want to have to explain to her what had happened at the audition. I can’t even say what went wrong but I know that on some level I chose to fail and that was a huge self-inflicted blow.
I’ve had numerous conversations and contacts from people who regard me highly for work that I’ve done and though I appreciate their support I can’t really absorb their compliments because my reality doesn’t match up with their impression of my reality. It’s a tough business. It takes it’s toll. I felt close to calling my manager last week and informing her I’d be taking a three month long hiatus to re-examine my life. Very close. The only clarity I have is that the free time I’m being provided with right now is allowing me precious time with my family. I’m fortunate.
I feel like I’m on the other side now. Things seem to have gained buoyancy. Every day offers opportunities to move forward and some are as subtle as smiling more and talking less. I’m looking forward to future opportunities and as for now I’m trusting that all will work out as it is meant to.
Nathan, you will always have your family and friends and they are the most important things in the world. You also have many fans who admire you for your talent and your ability and willingness to communicate. I am repeating this, and please forgive me, but I think you should write a book about your experiences. I really believe that aspiring actors would get so much out of reading about the good times and bad regarding the entertainment field and the pressures and personal tribulations involved. I have never come across anything like that. I know how I feel when my work is not accepted for various reasons and I take it personally, which is not a good response. I read about on actor who actually cried on a park bench when he lost a part once. Do I make sense? I’m on pain killers and have not been very lucid lately.
Hang in there. Things will work out fine.
Comment by AJ — April 15, 2007 @ 9:14 am
I love you, buddy.
kill the worm of doubt. every day. with your voice, your hands, a sword, a bow, a gun, a watergun filled with hydrochloric acid, a nuke… whatever. kill the fucker every morning.
Comment by MG — April 17, 2007 @ 3:07 pm
I was so sad to read how you were feeling and I am so glad you are around the bend on this one. You are such an incredible person without the career Nathan, don’t let it take you over. Big hug!
Comment by Rusty Atencio — April 18, 2007 @ 5:22 pm
Perhaps seeing it in a new perspective: Instead of looking at it as your insecurities and fear getting the better of you on that audition, perhaps it was the fates who have something grander in store for you. And as much as you felt the role was right for you, perhaps it would have prevented you from taking another role that is still yet to be.
Another perspective is that perhaps you are meant to take this time with your wife and two young sons and use the precious time that passes much too quickly in their young lives to watch in wonder as they learn new things and begin their inquisitive journey called life. To think that you now have the time to just sit with them on your lap as you gaze at stars, or to show them how to throw a ball. You have the time to push them on a swing and hear their giggles.
It may not be a logical look at the way real life is, but it’ll sure put a smile on your face!
Comment by Annie — April 18, 2007 @ 9:01 pm
Hi Nathan! I love what you say about “smiling more and talking less” - I’ve actually had to adopt that at work awhile ago for myself as well. It was rocky for a bit but I’ve managed to achieve some distance and still feel engaged but not depleted. Hope that you are well! Love -
Comment by Joanna — May 2, 2007 @ 6:35 am
Saw BTM last night and your acting made a HUGE difference in the quality of that film (not that it isn’t a great film all on its own anyway, of course. It’s wonderfully written and very well done in so many ways, but I believe your work truly elevated it to a whole other level.) Your depiction of Leslie was amazing–I was very impressed.
In light of all that, reading this post tells me two things:
1) None of us is immune from those feelings of insecurity that plague us humans. I look at your work and think: Wow, how can someone do that? What amazing acting, etc. etc. Yet, you look at the box office results and think this movie bombed so … and internalize it as some sort of reflection on you.
How well a work of art does often has to do with media and promotion, luck, and audience tastes, and more, and not necessarily with the quality of the work itself. Many amazing films bring in little money because the promotion wasn’t there behind the film or because audience tastes lend themselves to different types of works or for other reasons unrelated to the work’s quality. It’s no reflection on those who did good work for the film. The same applies to any piece of art of any kind, whether it be writing, visual art, etc.
2) You are right to end the post optimistically because despite what I wrote above I think your talent and skill are too great for you to continue to struggle as you describe you are doing now. I know the recognition is important and needed (financially) but it should also matter that you do good work, regardless of whether the film’s profits reflect that or not.
You did an AMAZING job in BTM. I am a major film buff, watch a TON of movies, and your performance stood out among the many, many, many films I’ve seen. Your work is what had me on IMDB checking out your profile there and learning more about you as an actor.
While I loved the novel idea of the film (definitely one of those “why didn’t anyone think of this earlier?” type concepts) as well as its execution, and as a writer (not yet professional writer but that is just a technicality!) myself, especially appreciated the very smart dialog and storytelling, it was largely your work that made the film memorable, meaningful, and moving for me. I have no doubt I’m not even remotely the only one to feel that way.
The financial success of the film (or even your own financial success) is in no way a reflection of the quality of your work; that is true for all of us I believe. Sometimes the two collide; but just as often the most deserving are overlooked and the mediocre rewarded–it truly has little to do with actual quality in so many instances.
I want to thank you for sharing these thoughts here, as I think it helps many of us to see that those who we value and whose work we are admire can feel the same insecurities that we humans all seem to feel no matter how strong our skill and talents. It’s good to remind ourselves that we all have moments of doubt and times of underestimating ourselves, and that usually it’s not a reflection of reality and that others see us typically in a much brighter light than that through which we view ourselves. We truly can be our own worst critics.
My view based just on that one performance: Keep doing what you’re doing; I think your gift is too strong to not continue to share it with the world. The gift actors and all who are involved in making film, theater, and other art bring to society is an important and in many ways essential one, and one I hope that in time you will be well rewarded for your contribution. It certainly will be well deserved.
Comment by m — June 25, 2008 @ 4:01 pm